Mother-Daughter In-Law Relationship- From The Perspective Of A Daugther In-Law

Came across an incident yesterday that got me thinking. Can a mother-daughter in-law relationship ever be fixed after trust is broken? And why is it that there is this age-long feud between mothers in-law and daughters in-law? And can you really love your daughter in-law as your own child? Can you really love your mother in-law like your own mother?
It is the role of the man's family to make the his bride feel welcomed into the family. It is their job to embrace and make her feel loved  and wanted. It is only after she has been received with loved that she will start to trust you and warm to you. If this is not done from the start then the road ahead will be very bumpy.

My friend Anita and her mother in-law were good friends until Anita's husband stopped saying yes to his parents every request because he wanted to spend what he had on his growing family. The mother in-law turned on Anita so fast it was unbelievable. She would whisper things to Anita's husband about her and even the children to turn him against his family. She even went as far as trying to turn Anita's step mum against her. Anita's mother had passed away due to an illness. The whole family, not just the mother in-law turned on her with the mother in-law as the ring leader. Thankfully none of her plans worked but there was so much friction in the family that Anita's husband was forced to cut off from his family to protect his wife and children and his sanity.

After a few years there was reconciliation but Anita sees her mother in-law differently now and cannot relate with her as before even though the woman professes her change and tries to be friendly. She doesn't trust her not even with her children. She has tried to embrace her, for her husband's sake,  and says she has forgiven all but deep down inside she doesn't trust then and wants nothing to do with any of her in-laws . She says everyone says forgive and forget but once you've seen someone's ugliness can you really forget it or trust them not to make you a victim of that ugliness again. So now she keeps herself and children well away from the in-laws. Her distance means her children don't really know their father's side of the family. It also  affects her husband's relationship with his family.

I asked her if it was her own mother that had hurt her whether she would have the same response, and she said no, because the dynamic between a person and their own family is different to that with the in-laws. She knows her mother better than her mother in-law and knows her mother might hurt her but she would not do it on purpose because underneath it all she loves her because of the emotional connections whereas with the in-laws there are no such connections, so as far as she's concerned they meant to hurt her and destroy her marriage or at the very least make it so that she had no say in her own home and they could keep getting her husband to do what they wanted.

Basically it's a competition for the affections of the man where all gloves are off and anything goes and both parties get drawn into the competition somehow. Sometimes they get drawn in knowingly 
and other times, like in Anita's case, they unknowingly get drawn in by the other party and once 
drawn in you have to keep playing until one of you is dead.

This is because of a complex called the Oedipus complex. Was at a gathering recently and the speaker said its a bad idea for a couple to live with the in-laws particularly the man's family, because the mother will develop Oedipus complex. (Which is a deep affection for the parent or a child of the opposite sex. I.e between mother and son or daughter and father) For those of us that don't know who Oedipus is let me enlighten you. Many years ago in Greek mythology  a king and his pregnant wife were told that their unborn son would kill his father and marry his mother. So in a bid to stop the prophecy from coming true they left the baby in a forest to die. But a shepherd found him  and raised him as his own. When he grew up he became a warrior and one of the cities he conquered was his father's (unbeknown to him). He killed the king (his father) and took his wife (his mother) as his bride and was the custom in those days. The truth was later revealed after they had had 4 children together and the mother hanged herself and Oedipus gouged out his eyes.

This is probably an explanation for the age long feud between mothers in-law and daughters in-law.  Sadly I don't think anyone is immune from this complex, that is why we all have to conciously take steps to not put ourselves in situations that might cause us to display it. For instance, parents living or staying with their married son or daughter for long periods of time. Someone one said that for us ladies even if we lived with Jesus we would find something wrong with him, it's just our way.

There are some absolutely amazing mothers inlaw out there and I salute you all, you don't get enough acknowledgement. Sadly it's mostly the awful ones that tend to make the press, in a manner of speaking, because to be honest there are more of them. So to all

mothers out there with young sons remember how delicate this relationship is and tread very carefully so you don't loose your son and grandchildren. Once words are spoken they cannot be unspoken and once deeds have been done you might be able to undo them but not before they have left something behind. Loving and accepting your daughter inlaw should not be something you do based on how you feel about her, it should be something you do by choice. You say to yourself regardless of what she does or how she acts or whether I understand her or not or agree with her or not, I choose to love her because my son chose her. It really is that simple. You cannot love your daughter inlaw like your child, anyone who says they can is a darn liar, how can you? You didn't birth her, you didn't carry her as a baby, change her nappy and celebrate each milestone with her as she grew up. So how on earth are you going to sit there and say you can love her like your child? 
You can however treat her as fairly as you would like others to treat to treat your own child. Stop trying to be her mother, she's got one already, no matter what the situation someone birth her, her mama, so she's got a mother already. Just focus on being her mother in law and you will see your relationship blossom and learn of a different kind of love.

Copyright June's Secrets 2015