I decided to start this series because I believe that being a God-fearing, spirit-filled, tongue-speaking Christian and having a passionate fulfilling sexual marriage do not have to be two concepts that are mutually exclusive. Why is it that hot, passionate, exciting and steamy are not words that are used to describe sex in marriage, especially Christian marriages? Why do we, women, view sex as one of our chores and something to be endured to keep our husbands from straying? Is there an unspoken rule that women are not allowed to enjoy sex or even if they do to keep it hidden?
For many years I struggled with my own sexuality because, like many women, I was made to believe that the purpose of sex was to make babies. From a young age I was programmed to shy away from sex and think of it as the dirty big bad wolf whose only purpose is to make babies and please the male species. I am all in favour of no sex before marriage and understand why our parents sold it to us the way they did but we should have been taught that sex is a beautiful gift from God for both the man and woman to enjoy only in the covenant relationship of marriage. We should have been told that procreation is only one of the many purposes of sex. We should have been told that it also acts as a glue to bind two people on a spiritual level and that it lowers the barriers to communication.
When I got married I didn’t know the true purpose of sex or that it was quite alright for me to enjoy it and show my husband, Seyi, that I did. I still saw it as something purely for my husband’s enjoyment. I also used to think, after each time Seyi had sex, “that should keep him off my back for a few days”. I treated it like a chore and did it out of obligation. I didn’t enjoy it and would spend most of the session thinking “are you done yet?”
After a very rough patch in our marriage I decided that I was going to enjoy every single part of my life. So instead of looking at Seyi and thinking there was something wrong with him, because, in my mind I thought it was abnormal for someone to want so much sex? ( he wanted it at least once a day most times twice, once to say good morning and another to say good night), I adopted the attitude of if you can’t beat them, join them. So instead of suppressing my sexual side that always wanted to tell Seyi where and how I wanted, needed to be touched in bed, that part of me that wanted to go and whisper in his ear when he’s with his friends that I desired him and couldn’t wait for us to be alone, I would just embrace her. I decided that I was going to match his enthusiasm where sex is concerned.
This decision changed everything. I became a very different person and my marriage became unrecognisable. I had a total makeover both physically and psychologically and I became more confident and very aware of the power of my sexuality. I felt great on the inside and that translated to the outside.
I felt I had finally become the person God intended me to be. A person who is living her life to the full with no apologies or regrets.
However although I wanted to match my husband’s sexual enthusiasm, I didn’t know how to. I had repressed my sexuality for so long that I didn’t know how to embrace it. So after a marriage seminar where a preacher suggested that perhaps we married Christian women have something to learn from the adulteress. She suggested that we discover why she is able to lure men and keep them coming back for more? Why is it that when she enters a room all the men (even spirit-filled and tongue speaking men) turn, look at her and admire her and the women, even though they hide it well, are filled with envy because they secretly want to be able to command that kind of attention every time they enter a room especially from her husband. It certainly is not because of her excellent cooking skills, impeccable etiquette or brains. It is because she is confident and comfortable with who she is, she knows the power of her sexuality and makes no apologies for using it. She works at keeping herself attractive and desirable. She knows how to please her men so they keep coming back.
So I took my newly liberated sexuality to the church bookstore for tips on how to keep my sex life exciting, or more specifically the secrets of the adulteress. There were lots of books about being a virtuous woman and what a woman’s role is in marriage. They all advised to keep your sex life exciting and having regular date nights but they do not really talk about the sex part in great detail. So I had to look elsewhere outside the church, mostly online. This got me thinking about how many other women in the church were in the same boat as I was, married and looking to improve their sex life but have to look in 'worldly' places for tools to help them. Sex is God's gift to couples and is such a crucial part of marriage yet many Christians shy away from discussing it. We act like it’s something to be ashamed of, a taboo to never be spoken of. So most women suffer in silence enduring sex in their marriage instead of enjoying it and then passing that legacy on to their daughters.
We should have a passion for passion in marriage. We should be helping each other celebrate, embrace and understand our sexuality as women so that we can enlighten our daughters and daughters-in-law to help them build strong and healthy marriages. I hope to help you put the passion and sparkle back into your marriage bed through my series.
In the parts to follow we will be discussing some body image issues, discovering where the G spot is and discussing some sexual techniques that are sure to give your sex life a jolt. No more wham, bam, thank you ma’am passionless sex.
I expect you to renew your mind and not just read about revolutionising your sex life but to do it as well.
Look out for part two next week
© June's Secrets 2015
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